Life after uni; the black hole

I’m going to say it; finishing uni is harder than starting.

My student bubble burst two months ago when I moved back home from my life in London. I spent three years studying at UAL and living in the busiest place I have ever lived. Being from a small Yorkshire town the hustle and bustle of the capital was great at first but the novelty wore off during my second year. I found it stressful and constant and it just wasn’t how I wanted to live my life.

Moving back home after I graduated was a decision I knew was right for my own sanity. I needed my family, fresh air and the peace and quiet. After the first couple of weeks blissfully and aimlessly wandering deadline free, it started to kick in. The anxiety and stress of where my life was heading engulfed me.

I felt like everyone in the world was doing something they loved or something that was driving them towards their career, yet there I was cleaning tables and pouring drinks. I was a tiny ant under a massive magnifying glass and everyone could see how static I was. I wasn't moving anywhere, I wasn’t achieving anything and I felt stuck.

There was a solid two weeks where I was deep in the black hole. I was feeling dark and miserable every day so much so I spent most of my energy holding back tears. There was a dark cloud growing in my stomach and it just got bigger and bigger. I was terrified someone would see through my smiles and laughter and feel the misery.

I didn't want it to rub off on anyone else so I kept it hidden but keeping it hidden doesn't send it packing. Instead it grew and grew until it had eaten up 95% of my existence. I was doing everything right; learning to drive, earning money, getting experience with some freelance work and gymming to my heart’s content. It wasn't working I still felt like a little pile of smelly emotional crap.

Eventually I burst, it poured out and I had one of the worst moments I have ever experienced. I said some pure foul things to myself about my worth and my potential, I cried to a LOT of Sam Smith and vowed I would never again let it get that bad. Life is too short.

There is honestly no explanation (this is a bit of a rubbish ending), I’m still trying to figure things out and how to keep the demons at bay. What I will say is most people I have spoken to are in the same situation. Feeling as though they are not good enough or not doing enough the minute they graduate.

What can we do to get the perfect balance between enjoying life, living life and creating your own world. A world free of judgement, time constraints and jampacked with positive motivation?

I believe it’s possible we just have to find a way to balance the scales.

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